Tuesday, 3 November 2015

TBH, Honesty + Self-Esteem

I was writing earlier in the morning, looking through, that the past to now, realising I've never had a good self-esteem.

To be honest (tbh), it makes me feel less proud of myself and what I do. There are others who try to encourage me now, but I'm always going to have less hope it will stick around. I'm really thankful for these people. They take the time to do that, even when I don't know their doing that. Surprises huh?

However, honestly I enjoy what I do. It feels like a defiance agaisnt my low self-esteem. It doesn't boost my confidence, but it helps to keep going with what I truly love to do, and what I would like to do.

It is true as they say that bad students get more attention than behaving ones.
Although, the first time I ever got praised, in sixth form, was an eye opener, because I felt shy and saying in my head "noooo", but actually from what I did, it felt good to still do what I do at the time, to now

I still to this day, don't know what drives me forward to do anything at most, but I get that little crack in my heart, and allow it to flourish, as much as it possibly can. I'm no motivator, wouldn't be at most. I would just like to share stories, or anything that may come to mind, just to be there to show the struggles, and triumphants of my time, that I get.

It shall be my birthday in 2days. I never like to say my age, but I say I'm in my twenties, but no way near 30s, no offence.
It shall be Bonfire Night too, and I'm behind on keeping a promise to showcase a Bonfire Night dedication.

I've not been getting good sleep, but either way, I'm not waking up just to get tea. I know there's something wrong with me, and my motivations are just gone.

I'll take the time to talk what is happening on the 5th Nov, otherwise I say I'm nervous, and I honestly feel like I've failed from last year. Not good. Although, I say I'm trying.
Sorry for the downer if you read this, it was just for my own good, beats crying over things in my mind. Needs to break free sort of thing.

Take care always,

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